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Well. I think it’s because they have nothing to say. ORRRRRRRR, if the man opens his mouth he is going to get a heaping helping of “Complaint Stew.” It seems like I am learning how not to say anything which even remotely stirs an emotion since it only means that there is a chance for her to say something negative. For example, I asked if she thought there was something Kai (our son) might like to do; something to learn, something new, like Taiko or pottery (He’s starting to play a lot of DS and I don’t want him to fall into the “Video Killed the Radio Star” syndrome). My wife’s answer was something like, “you know, you have to think. I don’t know his thinking. You have to ask him.” Responding to women in Japan without sounding like an over confident asshole is quite difficult. If I disagree or try to rephrase the question in order to get an answer that even comes remotely close to what my objective is I will undoubtedly receive punishment. If I agree with her and rephrase the question, it means I am giving in to miscommunication. If I don’t say anything it would mean, in OUR culture, that I disagree and I don’t wish to continue this conversation beacause…well, I just don’t. BUT IN JAPAAAN, if you don’t say anything and just give a little grunt, it means you are thinking about what the other person said. If you continue to be silent, it means you accept their answer and you don’t need any further clarification. My wife and I haven’t spoken for the last 2 hours; a new record for me.
Comments:
13 Comments posted on "Why don’t old people speak to each other?"
ongaku on January 18th, 2007 at 3:11 am
When my wife and I were first married in Japan, I used to get frustrated by the grunts. The meaning was totally situational. Diid she agree, think I’m an idiot, was she considering it, or not fully understand what I was saying? Now we live in the States and I find that if she rattles off something to me in Japanese but I only catch 50% of it - I grunt. It works well to avoid conflct and punishment (all men regardless of culture understand the punishment - sex is withheld until further notice).
Mike on January 18th, 2007 at 7:15 am
How long have you been married now? Sounds like a long time. How long were you married in Japan? How long does it take to be able to withdraw from rebuttal?
ongaku on January 18th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Lived together and married for a total of 5 years in Japan, and now 12 years in the States. I used to be like my yellow lab who just cannot stop herself from stealing food off the counter, no matter how harshly she has been punished for this previously. So it took me about a decade to learn to supress the urge to rebut and that life will be much more pleasant if I keep my mouth shut. My better half still reminds me of some tactless comments I made 10 years ago - there is no statute of limitations. I think that’s a female thing, not specific to Japanese women.
Mike on January 18th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Love it. I will definitely heed your advice. Might take me some time. Wonder if Zen has a comment to add on this. He’s in a similar situation as you. Oh Zeeeeeeeennnnnn.
ongaku on January 18th, 2007 at 8:33 am
For what it’s worth, you are completely right to fear that Kai is becoming obsessed with his DS. Also, you can’t ask a 6 year old boy “what he is thinking”. You stick him in different activities (taiko, pottery, karate, swimming, whatever) and he’ll figure out what he likes and doesn’t like. Just my 2 cents.
Mike on January 18th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Exactly my thinking. Tomoko suggested we go for a hikes in the mountains. I told her I would need a book that shows me the names of the plants and trees in English and Japanese (I’m looking). It would be fun to learn about nature in the surrounding area, but at seven years old (now he’s seven 11/03) I think he needs to be doing stuff with other children. How about your kids in the sates? To those who don’t know, Ongaku and I have spoken via email already.
ongaku on January 18th, 2007 at 9:24 am
My boys (6.5 and 4.5) are the typical overscheduled kids but they seem to enjoy everything so far. They’ve done soccer, t-ball, violin/piano (1 each), karate, swimming, summer day camps, etc. I haven’t seen a kendo class here in SF but I bet Kai would love that. It’s almost like training to be a Power Ranger. We also do a lot of play dates with other half Japanese kids, which is great except when its at my house because it gets trashed. When I initially emailed you, that’s what I was asking for advice on - how to find these types of informal play groups (Japanese Mom/gaijin Dad with kids around same age as ours) when we move back to Japan.
Zen on January 18th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Ongaku is wise. Grunting is a good thing. Something you could never get away with, with a Amercian female. With A Japanese woman works like magic. They can talk and talk all we need to do is go umm, so, umm, They are happy because it clicks to them we are giving them talk time. It works for us, because we only have to half way listen. If we do not catch it all rather than go into a big disscussion of which only will half been understood, or need to be repeated only to hear that their side/way/thought is better or, it is something you already said , they are just saying it differently, Umm is a good thing. It keeps life simple. As for Kai, yes again to Ongaku, load him with stuff to do. He needs choices, if he has nonw, the Video games with be his choice. Onaku if you are near Japantown, check the supermarket on the corner of Post. They have a large board with all kinds of stuffwith local instructions. I am fairly sure I saw kendo on there. Or check the J-town community center aroudn the corner.
ongaku on January 18th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Thanks much for the kendo tip, Zen. We live on the Peninsula but I know the board at Nijiiya - I’ll check it out this weekend.
Zen on January 18th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
If you do not see something. I will check with my Japanese language sensei. He is a Kendo Sensei and runs a Japanese Market here in the East Bay. I’m sure he knows about or can find out about something in your area. He is fairly well connected I’m sure there are clubs around the Bay area he has contest with.
Sakuraba on January 23rd, 2007 at 8:58 am
Question: Do japanese men grunt to each other the same as they do to women?
Mike on January 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 am
Good question Sakuraba. I don’t know really. When I listen to the old guys talking at the gym or in a sento they don’t seem to. I think the grunting though is more at times when two people come to a standstill in the conversation. When one side disagrees and the other is expecting a reply. Men don’t generally communicate like this I think. Hmmmm…
Sakuraba on January 24th, 2007 at 3:21 am
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